In order to be a bad tango dancer, you don’t always have to get blind drunk and stumble around on the floor like a flopping fish until someone tosses you out. After all, drinks can be expensive, and booze isn’t even available in some venues.
So in case you were wondering, here are four surefire strategies on how to suck at tango.
Let’s get started!
1. BE NEGATIVE…ALL THE TIME
Made a mistake? Blame the floor. It’s too sticky. Or too slippery. Or both.
Let’s not forget to blame our partners, too. After all, everything that goes wrong couldn’t possibly be OUR fault, right?
And the dance venue itself? It’s too small and crowded. Or maybe it’s too big and appears empty. Maybe it’s too dark, or the lighting’s off in some other way that affects our concentration.
Make sure most thoughts in our heads go like this: “If only [insert uncontrollable external factor here] was/wasn’t taking place, I’d be dancing so much better.”
Then, as we’re sitting by ourselves, it’s important to complain about how rude everyone is for not inviting us to dance. And while we’re sulking, let’s not waste the opportunity to judge what everyone’s wearing.
2. BE OBLIVIOUS
I love milonga! It’s so fun to grab my partner and flap my shoulders to the beat. Pretty soon I’ll bounce around so much my partner’s contact lenses might fly right off her eyes!
Line of dance? What’s that? Never heard of it. I was having too much fun sticking my elbows out and spinning around at random.
Oh, and I’m getting kind of sweaty. No problem! In fact, that’s my cue to dance more close embrace with everyone. I’m sure they don’t mind that I ate a bunch of garlic, have gas, didn’t bring an extra shirt, a towel, or that I forgot deodorant. I’m also sure no one will care that I only showered twice this week.
Actually, it was probably only once.
3. BE A CONTROL FREAK
Followers are meant to be pushed and shoved into submission, and leaders must be back-led through every tanda while I do ochos on my own. Every step I lead/follow must go EXACTLY the way I want, when I want…or else the world will end and we will all die.
4. GIVE IN TO SELF-DOUBT
Believe the nagging, self-critical voices in our heads that tell us:
– we need to be perfect in order for people to like and/or respect us
– we need to be perfect in order to even have fun
– we’ll never be good
– that we’ll never achieve our tango goals
– that this is too hard and the “good”dancers were just born with talent
So there it is. Four sure-fire ways to suck at tango. Fortunately, the vast majority of dancers out there are rebels who break these rules 🙂